My Worst Movies 1: Skeleton Man

I rented this chunk of digital chunder over the weekend because I had little else to do and being a fan of horror pics I figured what the hell, it does star Michael Rooker (Sea of Love, Mississippi Burning) and Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers). I should have known better because it had Michael Rooker (Cliffhanger, Saving Jessica Lynch) and Casper Van Dien (Casper Meets Wendy) starring in it.

The plot, if that's what you could call it since I have seen porn movies with better story lines than this, centres around a group of Special Forces members who go missing in the woods. Another group of Special Forces members go looking for them, with dire consequences as they are harried by a homicidal horse-riding skeleton.

The following are only a few reasons why this movie sucked (and not very well at that):

• What Special Forces group consists of manly men and beautiful, big breasted women dressed in hiking clothes, communicating via cell phone?
• The entire film looks like it was filmed in somebody's backyard.
• The entire film's budget probably came to around $100, including actors salaries.
• The Skeleton Man of the title looks like someone clad in black garbage bags and a Halloween mask.
• The last 15 minutes of the movie inexplicably changes scene to a chemical factory.
• The music soundtrack is truly the worst I have ever heard in my life.

No reason is given as to why, exactly, a skeleton is running amok skewering and decapitating people. There is a brief encounter with some mystical American Indian who seems to have visions after eating army issue baked beans but any semblance of explanation is lost in the sheer absurdity of the whole thing. This, coupled with the image of Special Forces babes cringing as they squeeze off round after round into the surrounding foliage, a single arrow from a bow downing a helicopter, and multiple shots of the "monster" appearing and disappearing via the movie's one and only special effect served only to worsen what has become the worst 95 minutes of my life (and that included the removal of my wisdom teeth).

With films like this being produced, I can't imagine why the Motion Picture Association of America is worried about piracy. I doubt that there is a single Malaysian, Chinese or Al Qaeda terrorist who would believe that they could make a dime out of bootlegging this crap.